


Conversations in a Graveyard, Events in a casket.

by SchmillionPizza



Category: Tales From the Cryptkeeper, Tales from the Crypt (TV 1989)
Genre: F/M, The Cryptkeeper is a player, Undead Sex, Undead boy can get it, but they do it tho, nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:40:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26619841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SchmillionPizza/pseuds/SchmillionPizza
Summary: The Cryptkeeper gets to rob the grave.





	Conversations in a Graveyard, Events in a casket.

**Author's Note:**

> If you didn’t read the tags this is your final warning. Two undead people have sex in this story. If that grosses you out do not proceed!! 
> 
> Also there’s a little open wound play but it’s nothing gross. No one is in any pain. 
> 
> Cause they’re dead. 
> 
> Enjoy!

It was agony and bliss at the same time. Having her here. 

He felt weak. He actually FELT around this monstress. 

The Cryptkeeper hadn’t had any warm emotions in at least a century. But this wasn’t really ...genuine affection. It was more of an unashamed lust. 

She was gorgeous!! Her sunken eyes, her spindly hands, the way she smoked, drank. She had a balcony you could do Shakesfeare on. 

She commanded attention. Respect. His yellowed eyes always stared at her with such feral intent. 

She had bite to her. He admired that in a ghoul. 

“...You know I would care to venture Mr.Bloodworth that you’re client is looking for easy money. I see no medical exams or insurance statements from you. Now either your client is withholding something. or you’re denser than a tick at a Red Cross convention...Do keep in touch.” 

She reminded him of a black widow. Elegant, silent, until she attacks. A quiet hostility. He couldn’t get enough of it! 

One thing he couldn’t quite understand was that she bathed with water. Water. It wouldn’t do anything for her skin. She’s been embalmed. Virtually waterproof. Perhaps it was for her hair? Women. Even dead women. Such a fickle mystery. 

Their evenings usually began with a breakfast of rotten fruit. She would ask him a lot of questions about the case. Then go upstairs to her room. She would leave to go see other clients but wouldn’t be gone too long. 

It was during this time he would snoop in her room. Just to find out something about her. 

It was his house. He had the authority right? The wall monster gave him a guilt trip about boundaries often. 

He logically thought about how this...lust could be happening. He was dead. Embalmed. No blood was in his body. Why was he having wet screams about his dear Ghouliette? 

How?! Unless the embalming fluid was acting as...eugh!...Too old! 

He would say this randomly throughout the day. 

“Too old!” 

She questioned him one day. She had her hair tied up in a bun and somehow was wearing glasses without a nose. 

“Uhm...Mr.Cryptkeeper, You seem...bothered..” she asked. “Are you ok?..” she raised an eye ridge. She was sitting on a rug by his desk in the crypt, trying to to get a final draft of his deposition together. 

He looked a twinge frazzled but quickly morphed back into his calm, quirky demeanor. “Of course. Feeling calm as a graveyard, Dear.” He said as he pet his hair back. 

First “Dear” today, 10th overall. 

“Well, that’s great. Because even the bad lawyers can pick up on any anxiety or panic that you might have. Like blood to a hungry shark..” she smiled at him. 

Why did she have to be in the floor? He kept trying to push the thought of her crawling over to him and putting her head in his lap far away from his mind. 

Why did she have to be so attractive?! If she were ugly like him he wouldn’t even be feeling like this. Maybe he should tell her?..

“No no no!...” his eyes opened. Could she read minds too?

“I lost six pages...I’ll have to do them over.” She lamented.

He smiled...would she stay longer then? 

“I’ll have to extend my stay for about a day. Is that okay?” She asked looking at him. 

“Of course, You’re a breath fresh scare, my dear. I really dig having you here..” he smirked leaning back in his chair. Attempting to be confident. 

Her face felt hot again. Oh no not this nonsense. He’s a client, Juliette!..This is unprofessional! She closed her eyes and opened them as if that would make that charisma he had vanish. He lit a cigarette and blew out a cloud of poison. 

Damnit. 

She stood up and put her glasses on her head. Gathering her papers up. 

“Ghouliette. I’d like to take you somewhere special. Do you think you could join me? Hm?” She bristled. Oh she loathed that little pet name. But the way he said it. It wasn’t insulting. She’d let him get away with it. Always. 

“That’s not my name. But...Yes. Could you give me a moment to put this away?” She gave him a smile before turning to walk up the stairs. The tights she wore underneath her sweatshirt were riding up on her and he delightfully watched her ascend the stairs. 

“Someone does scarerobics...” he murmured to himself. 

She came back down. Her hair was down and combed. She had discarded her slouchy sweatshirt for something a little more form fitting to go over those black leggings. 

Hmm. Interesting. The Cryptkeeper thought to himself. 

“So where are we going?” She asked walking over to his desk. 

“Possibly the most important place besides this crypt.” He took her hand and led her through a darkened passageway. 

Even though his hand was as cold as ice, she felt like she was about to be cremated she was feeling so warm. 

“Uhm..” she said. 

“It’s just up ahead...Are you scared, Dear Ghouliette?” She felt him drag her close to him in the darkness. His yellow eyes the only thing she could see. 

Eleven...

“No..I-I just..” she couldn’t find the words. The cutthroat, devious, blood sucking lawyer Juliette was speechless. 

She was cut off when she saw moonlight. He led her out to possibly the most elaborate and well kept graveyard she had ever seen. 

“...Wow. This is...beautiful. Do you...keep this?” She asked. Walking over to a rose bush and petting at the red and white blossoms. 

“I do. This was here when I got here. I adore graveyards. So peaceful...quiet..a perfect place to hang...” He playfully batted at a noose that he just had laying around. Probably for the sole purpose of that pun. He walked over to her and lead her to sit on a bench. 

“Upon further research I discovered that this particular gathering of gravely guests is special. Do you know why?..” he asked, twirling a rose he had plucked. 

“...No. Please tell me.” She said crossing one leg over the other. 

He followed her action. “All of the people in this yard are convicted criminals. Very violent ones too.” He said pointing over to a headstone. “Like that gentleman there. He chopped up an entire family and put the remains in a cement mixer.” He pointed to the other side of the yard. “ and her? She strangled all four of her husbands before she got caught..I’m a sucker for a strong willed woman..” He put his hand on her shoulder and put the rose in her hair. 

“That’s...That’s...So...” she smiled. “Poetic..”

“...many..many things can be more than what they seem if you’re willing to..look past the ghastly veneer..” he said smiling a little sheepishly. 

She picked up on what he was hinting at. 

She put her hands on his boney shoulders. He let out a chuckle and moved in closer to kiss her. 

“Mr.Cryptkeeper...I...I don’t think..” 

“It’s alright, Darling we don’t need to think..”He said pulling her chin close to him. 

“No no!..I really want to win your case for you! And I don’t think I can do that if I sleep with you. It’ll throw me off. I won’t be as cut-throat if I’m attached to you..” she said. Lying. She was already attached to him. He could tell by how tightly she was holding him.

“Hm. Do you recall our friend The Black Widow?” He asked, rolling his r emphatically. He pulled her close, a rare moment for him. Comforting another breathing thing. She made him do the silliest things. 

She nodded a little . “Yes..she’s my favorite.” She stayed still. Unsure of what to do. She stiffened when she felt his cold hand on her cheek, pressing her to him. This was new....but nice?...Different? 

“Mine too...and do you know why she is so ruthless? Why she kills her mate?” He asked gently running a hand through her hair. 

“...For her children?” She asked. 

“For herself! So she will be strong enough to actually bear their children.” He tilted her chin up at him. “She can be ruthless AND attached. And so can you.” He said hoping that would convince her enough to at least let him creep a hand on her leg. 

Smack. 

Damnit. 

“...Well..since we’re spilling our guts out here...I won’t lie...I do find you...very charming. I just..feel like I can do anything when I’m around you. I’m not afraid to..pull my fangs back in..” She hugged him and heard his bones creak. 

“Well...if you can do any-thing..” he said giving just a tiny nibble to her ear. 

“No, Cryptkeeper...Not until I win your case..” she smiled, pushing him away. 

“Very well. But I’ll warn you...I’m quite beastly if I’m..Being kept from something I really want..”

“...I wouldn’t have it any other way. As they say in the courts...if it isn’t rough.” She stood and looked at him from over her shoulder. 

“Then it isn’t fun.” She chuckled and walked back down the dark hallway to the crypt. 

He sat there in awe. His jaw hit the ground. Literally. It became detached. 

He picked it up and put it back on. 

“Apparently I’m not too old.” He cackled softly. 

She stuck her head back out to him. “Are you coming?”

“I will if I don’t sit here for a moment!”

She chuckled and rolled her eyes. 

...

The next day was nothing but shameless flirts. 

He would smack her rear and playfully tell her to get back to work while she did menial tasks. 

Smack. “Get back to work, Boo.”

“I claim a hostile work environment, Mr.Cryptkeeper.~” 

“Well I happen to a fang-tastic lawyer that specializes in sexual scareassment!..She’s a tough case cause she’s denying me her briefs!!” He would cackle loudly. 

She would tell him that he looked handsome in his costume for the show. But in a professional way. 

“What’s today show about?” “Scaling the high seas.” He said lightly chuckling as he adjusted the pocket square of his navy blazer.

“..Well, you look very take charge. Don’t fall in love with any mermaids.” She winked before going back to her own work. 

Her last night in the crypt before she filed the suit had fallen. He wanted to make it special. Hoping that she’d cast aside those meddlesome ethics of hers and let him rob the grave. 

She came home from seeing her other clients and found a black dress box on her bed. She opened it and saw a very elegant...but very low cut red evening dress. It had sleeves ( her preferred style) and tiny rhinestones that were in the shape of little coffins. She found a note inside the box. “A little Thank-Boo for your your hard work and defamation. Would you join me for dinner in the crypt tonight?” She chuckled. 

“Aww...He’s gonna expect me to have sex with him..Poor guy. Too bad it’s still going to be no.” She chuckled and slipped the dress on. Putting two diamond skull studs into her ears. 

She looked at herself and winced. The chest wound she had was peeking out from above her left breast. “It doesn’t leave much to the imagination..I hope his heart is only thing that flies out of him tonight..” she said as she walked out of her room and pulled the correct book to activate the bookcase to move to gain access to the crypt. 

He looked at his watch and paced. The tails of his tuxedo waving like a flag. Why did women always drag their feet? He heard her heels clicking on the stairs and turned down the lights and sat at the table pushing his wisps of hair back out of his face. 

“My sweet!...You are a deadman’s nightmare.” He got up and walked over to her. Kissing her hand. 

“You really didn’t have to do this...I’m just doing my job.” She said smiling. 

“Ah but it’s a good job you’re doing. All that hard work should be rewarded.” 

He was hoping that she would do more than just her job tonight. He needed a reward for his being so patient, but not really. 

He pulled her chair out for her and rubbernecked her cleavage. He saw that peek of an open wound and he bit his bottom lip. He really hoped she was into..alternative locations. 

He tried to quell the boiling lust he was nursing. Just for a little while if he played his cards right. 

“...That wound...is it new?” 

Or maybe not. 

“Oh, yes it’s new. A client didn’t like the settlement offer I put on the table so he tried to stab me into the table.” She chuckled and so did he. 

“I guess you could say he wanted in the table instead of under it.” He cackled. 

“It’s annoying cause it’s still wet. I’d love for it to dry up so I wouldn’t have to keep tabs on it...” 

He drooled a little when she said it was wet. 

He shook it off and was relieved their first course was served. Bitter Scab-Apples and goat-cheese. 

She gently put her hand on his. “I’ve really enjoyed staying here.” She said smiling. 

“I’ve enjoyed having you...” he said gently lacing his fingers with her. 

“Move over Vaulty! I can’t see!” The Old Witch said as she peeked in lot the viewfinder of the spying contraption that The Vault Keeper had made to spy on The Cryptkeeper. They were outside in of his house. The Old Witch was just there to watch. 

“You won’t believe it. Old boy’s on a date..A rather good looking girl too..” The Vault Keeper said. 

“You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me! How did that happen? You reckon he’s paying her?” She asked shoving him out of the way. 

“I don’t see a woman that beautiful volunteering to spend time with him otherwise.” He said. 

She laughed. They had began drinking some wine. 

“So then he acts as if nothing is wrong, and THEN the werid stuff started happening. I think Sally knew what was going on he just didn’t want anyone else to know that he knew.” He said. “So that’s why I don’t go to The Rothchild’s parties anymore.” 

She tilted her head. “Is everyone really naked? Or is that just in the movies?” She asked recrossing her legs. 

“The girls were naked but no one was doing anything. Of course they pale in comparison to you.” He pulled her close to him and smirked. 

“How so? They’re probably younger than me. And you’ve not seen me naked..”She smiled. 

“You don’t know that...” he chuckled. 

She gave him a stern face.

“ You’re no fun..” he chuckled. She stroked the side of his face. “ No one can quite get under my skin like you..you’re like a tick that won’t let go..”she smiled and to his delight she leaned on him. 

He gave a goofy smile and promptly pulled her into his lap. 

“...I’d love to continue our discussion we had in the graveyard...about how you can be attached AND have it all...” he said. Gently tucking a white lock behind her ear. 

“...Very well then. What would your argument be?” She idly fiddled with one of the buttons on his tuxedo jacket. 

“...That A...we are monsters...undead ones that should exempt us from the ethical guidelines you hold in such regard...you’ve been dead for at least 60 years...haven’t you figured that out?” He asked chuckling. 

“...Indeed. But in order to be successful at the game you gotta play by the rules that matter the most..You could force yourself on me. Which good luck all I have to do find a fan and turn it on high and you’re out the window...but my point is.... that you’re not going to do that...because you care about me, Mr.Cryptkeeper...if you didn’t you would have dragged me into your coffin a week ago..but no...you let me stay here...and I’ve enjoyed your company.” She said wrapping her arms around him. Kissing his cheek. 

He smiled and gently gnawed at her neck. “...What if I seal everything up?...no one would be able to see...the only ones that would know would be ussss...”

He grabbed her wrist to illustrate that he commanded her full attention. 

“And what is true success to you? Dear Ghouliette?...I think you’re much more wound up than you let on..” He moved her so she had her back to him he put his chin on her shoulder and smirked. Holding her there. “you see I have been dead for a little bit longer than you have and I can read you like a book..You want to be seen as a black widow but deep deep down..” he trailed a nail down in between in breasts. “...You’re as squishy and soft as a caterpillar..but just as delicious..”she gasped...freezing. How did he know? Why was he right?...Who was this man? “But that’s alright...You can let go..This Crypt holds so many secrets...secrets far more lurid than two undead creatures copulating in a coffin...” 

She said nothing. She closed her eyes. If she needed to breathe she would have taken a deep breath. She turned around and smiled. 

“...I find your argument satisfactory...Judgement for the Plain-stiff..” she grinned. 

He cackled loudly. That worked on multiple levels. What a wit. He suddenly, without any warning kissed her. 

“Eugh...I can’t watch any more of this. Even if I could make out what they were saying it wouldn’t matter. It’s quite peculiar that The Cryptkeeper of all people has a more active sex life than I do.” 

“ Ah, quit yer complaining. He’ll be distracted! Instead focusing on the show he’ll be focused on her..so that’s when we end this little alliance and get back to it!” The Old witch said hurrying The Vault Keeper away. They had planning to do. 

The Cryptkeeper double checked to see if all the doors, windows any access points at all were sealed up. The last thing he needed was one of those morons to cockblock him. 

He took her hand and smiled. Leading her over to his casket. 

“...How...does this work??....” She asked watching him open both the head and foot of the casket.

“...Well..when a boy monster..really likes a girl monster..” 

She chuckled. 

“No...I mean...there’s really only room for one in there..” 

He slid off his tux jacket and hung it up. 

“Well in theory, yes but..there’s only room for one laying down...” he chuckled gently. 

“O-oh..” she said blushing. “Is it...comfortable?” She asked 

“Why don’t you see for yourself?” He asked helping her into his casket. A place that only a few people ever got to see the inside of. She was surprised. It was nice! Like..a marshmallow..

He slid her shoes off of her and trailed a hand up the outside of her leg and to her chin. Bringing her up to kiss him. 

“...I’ve not...done this since 1932...” she said. 

“Oh!! I get to pop your rotten cherry. What an honor!” He giggled undoing his tie. 

“That is a foul way of looking at it.” She giggled back. 

“Can’t change that we’re dead. But...I’ve found the best thing about being dead is getting to enjoy the things that you were afraid to when your heart was still beating..” he grinned and slid down her left sleeve. 

“I should feel scared. I don’t really know what you..want to do..” she giggled nervously. 

“Something like thisss..” he said sliding a finger into her chest would. 

She flinched expecting pain. But it was nothing.  
“Been dead 60 years and you still think of pain?...You’re still a newly dead!” He cackled. 

“ and you’re a bully..” she chuckled out. 

“A bully that’s batty about you...” he said, tugging down her dress. 

She sat up. Giving him a look. 

“No bra?...You little minx..” 

“I think it’s highly unfair that I’m half naked and you’re not..allow me to remedy that..” she said slowly unbuttoning his shirt. He kissed her while she did so. 

“Your skin feels just like I hoped it would...Like old sandpaper..” he said kissing her neck, biting it a little. 

“You know what a ghoul wants to hear..” she giggled and kissed his lips. 

He slowly climbed into the casket with her and chuckled. 

“No no no...This is my casket..I’m laying down...” he gave a dark chuckle. “Your bones are a little younger than mine..” 

A few very awkward, then very , very sensual moments later...

She fell ontop of him and he sighed. He lit a cigarette and gave her a few puffs before taking a long drag. 

“...Wow....That..That was....something..” she said..closing her eyes, resting. 

The Cryptkeeper blew out a cloud of poison and licked the side of her face.

“...Mineee..” He hissed into her ear. 

“Can I...sleep in this with you?..Pretty please with licorice bats ontop?..” she smiled. 

“..Just for tonight..You tell no one I did this. I have a reputation to maintain.” 

“Of course your horribleness...” she touted. 

She nestled her head onto his shoulder and closed her eyes. 

He reached up and closed the lid. Falling into an almost death-like sleep. A sleep that neither of them needed but both of them adored.


End file.
